How to Come Out to Your Parents as a Teenager?

Introduction

Mustering up all the courage, you have finally decided that it's time your parents knew about your unique identity. 

While nervousness, anxiety, and anticipation must be the state of emotions you are in right now, the empowerment from standing up for yourself and feeling liberated is beyond compare. 

Realising that standing up for yourself contributes to a greater cause for the LGBTQ+ community makes the experience impactful.

Let's understand together how you can come out to your parents in the best possible way. But first, what do we even mean by “coming out”?

What Do We Mean by Coming Out?

"Coming out" is the process where someone belonging to the LGBTQ+ community openly shares their gender identity and sexual orientation which they have kept private all this time from family, friends, or others.

A life-changing event:

This can be a life-changing event for the person who has decided to come out.

The fear and anxiety of not being accepted by loved ones after revealing one's true self, coupled with the excitement of finally embracing oneself publicly, can lead to a highly emotional state.

Coming out is a private and personal decision, and only you have the right to decide whom to come out to, when, and where.

A process:

Coming out is a process that goes on throughout your lifetime.

You first accept and understand yourself, then decide to come out to certain people at specific times or occasions.

Coming out involves risks—some you're prepared to face, while others you may wish to avoid.

The good news is, that we're here to support you in navigating how to come out to your parents.

However, it's important to recognize that there's no one right way to do it—these are just a few tips we're offering. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide what feels right for you.

How to Initiate the Topic?

Some of the important things you should keep in mind while opening up to your parents are as follows:

Choosing a friendly atmosphere:

The first and foremost thing you need to be careful and watchful of is the atmosphere you are in.

We are only human and our moods and emotions somehow do affect our response to certain things.

We prefer to keep important topics, if possible, for another day when we are ready to face them head on. So are your parents. 

Try to find a day or a time when your parents are in a happy mood and are free enough to spend quality time with you and have the time to listen to you with undivided attention.

This will help you get the time and attention you need to express yourself fully.

Mode of coming out:

You might want to access your parents' view of the LQBTQ+ community.

For example, how they have been towards people coming from the community, whether they are homophobic, and so on.

If they are supportive, you can come out to them face to face.

But if you know you are going to face outright rejection or they might get violent to you, you might need to pause and consider a few things. 

If you are dependent on them, make sure to wait until you are capable of standing on your own feet and moving out of the house.

This will ensure you have a safer place to live and will not succumb to threats, violence, or verbal/emotional abuse.

For such parents, you can choose to come out through emails, messages, or phone calls to avoid direct confrontation.

Tag along a friend you and your parents trust:

It's important to choose someone you trust and who understands the situation.

It's even better if that person is someone your parents trust, as they may be more willing to listen to them.

Make sure they are prepared to offer emotional support and perhaps even mediation if the conversation becomes difficult.

It's essential to have someone who can help you navigate the conversation and provide comfort during what can be a challenging time.

Come out to the parent you are more comfortable with: 

If it feels too overwhelming, you can start by coming out to the parent you feel most comfortable with, such as your mother. Later, your mother can talk to your father about it.

Prepare a list:

Communication is the key. Prepare in advance how important it is to you.

Communicate well that you are being serious and it's something that you would love your parents to understand and support you.

Be specific about whom they can disclose to:

Let your parents know that you are coming out only to specific people in your life and hence you would trust them with your privacy.

Be empathetic towards your parents:

Even if your parents support the LGBTQ+ community and its rights, coming out to them can still come as a surprise.

For unsupportive parents, it's understandable that they may struggle to rationalise this fact.

Remember, coming out is a process that takes time. It's unrealistic to expect them to fully understand and accept it all at once.

What to Expect and How to Respond to Your Parents?

Things may not always turn out the way you want. Sometimes bad things happen, while other times things go well.

However, you can be better prepared by anticipating potential responses and knowing how to handle them when coming out to your parents.

This can help you avoid disappointment and manage their reactions effectively.

Expectations:

Try to keep your expectations low and don't judge their views based on their initial responses.

It is only natural to be surprised and to take time to process your sudden revelation if your parents hear it for the first time. 

Allow them time to fully process the information. Put yourself in their shoes and try to understand their reaction. Even supportive parents may feel confused and unsure how to respond.

Responses:

There are three responses you can anticipate from your parents upon coming out to them:

A positive response:

Everything is hunky-dory. You can order your favourite food or go to a nice restaurant and celebrate with your parents coming out of the closet and embracing your identity or sexual orientation.

A confused response:

It's not uncommon for them to initially respond with confusion. They might need time to process and understand what you're sharing with them.

It's important to give them space and be patient while they navigate their feelings and thoughts.

Know that everyone's journey toward acceptance is different, and sometimes it takes time for parents to come to terms with their child's identity.

Abusive violent response:

It's important to remember that coming out can be a difficult and sensitive process, and everyone's journey is unique.

If you're feeling unsafe or unsupported at home, there are many LGBTQ+ support organisations or NGOs you can reach out to. 

If it gets too much to handle emotionally, a counsellor can guide you and provide the support you need.

4 Ways to Prepare Mentally Before Coming Out to Your Parents

There are four important things to be mentally prepared and be ready with when you are coming out to your parents.

They include:

1. Self-acceptance and Confidence

• Understand Your Identity: Ensure you have a strong understanding and acceptance of your own gender identity.
• Build Confidence: Confidence in your identity can help you communicate more effectively and handle the reactions you might encounter.

2. Emotional Readiness

• Assess Your Emotions: Be aware of your own emotional state and readiness to handle both positive and negative reactions.
• Seek Support: Consider talking to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group beforehand for guidance and reassurance.

3. Parental Perspectives

• Empathy: Understand that your parents may need time to process this information. They might be dealing with their own fears, misconceptions, or grief.
• Education: Be prepared to educate them about gender identity and address any misinformation they may have.

4. Long-Term Perspective

• Ongoing Process: Recognize that coming out is an ongoing process and relationships can evolve over time.
• Hope and Patience: Maintain hope and patience as your parents and family work through their own understanding and acceptance.

It's important to remind your parents that you're still the same person you've always been and haven't changed. 

Coming out in a specific way is also essential for your own well-being.

The stress of being in a closet and wondering if anyone will accept your true self everyday can sometimes become a burden.

When you actually come out of the closet and reveal who you are, it gives you mental peace and satisfaction for moving a step forward.

The stress and psychological burden you carry being in the closet gets withered away after coming out. This enables you to embrace yourself fully.

Conclusion

Deciding to come out to your parents is deeply personal.

There's no right or wrong way to do it, and your feelings are valid, no matter how they react. 

Your courage in expressing your truth is a significant step towards self-acceptance. 

Remember to prioritise your happiness and well-being throughout the journey. 

You're never alone—reach out for help whenever needed.

FAQs

What age do children come out?

There is no particular age bar for children that say, "Oh! Now you are 18" to come out.

However, the realisation that one's sexual orientation is different from one’s peer group most often happens early, even though it's quite confusing for some.

It takes time for teens to explore their own sexuality be they binary or non-binary and come to terms with their sexual orientations.

What is the reason for coming out?

Nobody wants to live a life where their true self is suppressed and kept hidden. We want to be accepted and loved for who we are. We want to feel connected to people who understand us.

Coming out increases visibility and allows individuals to seek the support they need from friends, family, or LGBTQ+ community support groups.

By doing so, one increases representation of the community and helps promote acceptance and fight stereotypes.

How do I know if I'm ready to come out to my parents?

Deciding to come out is a personal decision and can depend on various factors, such as your safety, support network, and readiness to share this part of yourself with others.

How can I prepare to come out to my parents?

Consider factors like timing, setting, and potential reactions. It can also be helpful to have resources or support networks in place beforehand.

Is it okay if I don't want to come out?

Yes, it's completely okay if you don't want to come out. Coming out is a personal decision, and everyone's circumstances and comfort levels are different.

You have the right to choose when, how, and to whom you want to share your identity. It's important to prioritize your safety, well-being, and comfort above all else. 

If you're unsure or feel pressured to come out, it's okay to take your time and only do so when you're ready. Your identity is valid, regardless of whether or not you choose to come out.

If you have been willing to come out but could not for whatever reasons, you can consider counselling to get encouragement and motivation to do so.

References

• Dowshen Steven. MD. Sexual Orientation. Nemours. KidsHealth. Available at https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/sexual-orientation.html. (Accessed on 06/04/2024).
  
• How to Come Out to Your Parents at Any Age. Healthline. Available at https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-come-out-to-your-parents#short-answer. (Accessed on 07/04/2024).
• Caitlin Bergh, LCSW (2022). How to Come Out to Your Parents. Available at https://www.choosingtherapy.com/how-to-come-out-to-your-parents/ (Accessed on 07/04/2024).
• Strong Family Alliance. Coming Out to Your Parents. Available at https://www.strongfamilyalliance.org/how-to-come-out-to-parents/. (Accessed on 07/04/2024).
• Ditch The Label (2022). 9 Tips for Coming Out as Lesbian, Gay or Bisexual to Your Parents. Available at https://www.ditchthelabel.org/9-tips-coming-out-to-parents. (Accessed on 08/04/2024).
• 7 cups (2022). How do I come out to my parents? Available at https://www.7cups.com/qa-lgbtq-issues-17/how-do-i-come-out-to-my-parents-5272/. (Accessed on 08/04/2024).
• Planned Parenthood. What's "Coming out"? Available at https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/sexual-orientation/sexual-orientation/whats-coming-out. (Accessed on 09/04/2024).