Introduction

If you ever fantasize about getting kinky in the bedroom, you are not the only person to do so.

According to sex therapists, BDSM might be one of the safest and most enjoyable kinds of sex one can indulge in, where boundaries and consent come first and there is no judgment on sharing your fantasies and deep desires.

As a BDSM beginner, if your goal is to feel pleasured and empowered by the sexual practice, we have got you covered.

What Does BDSM Mean?

The phrase "BDSM" is an acronym for three terms-bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. It refers to sex that is controlled, domineering, and submissive.

In this practice, one partner plays the more submissive role during sex and the other plays the more dominant position. This dynamic is what fuels the erotic intensity.

'Power play' is the essence of BDSM but with a lot of trust and respect. It is much less intimidating than how it is often portrayed in film or porn, which tends to be extreme. This version might not work for beginners.

As a beginner, you want to take things slowly until you figure out what BDSM looks like for you and your partners.

If necessary, speak with a sex therapist to get assistance in finding out which version of the practice works best for you and your partner.

Remember, you have the power to choose what works best for your unique journey of self-discovery and connection.

Categories of BDSM

Let's explore what each category of BDSM is about:

Bondage and Discipline

The BD in BDSM stands for bondage and discipline.

Bondage is a form of sex play that allows you and your partner to explore the exciting realm of restraint.

The main idea in this play is to let someone else control your pleasure. It involves using props such as handcuffs, ropes, blindfolds, and other restrictions to limit your freedom during the sexual act.

Discipline is exerting control over a submissive partner based on agreed-upon rules and conditions. Discipline is almost always evident in the relationship between a dominant partner and a submissive partner.

Dominance and Submission​

The DS in BDSM stands for dominance and submission. It is the act of showing authority or control over your partner or the other way around.

The dominance and submission dynamics can be played during sexual acts or through acts of being in control.

The person portraying the dominant role is sometimes referred to as Dom, Master, or Top. The submissive person is referred to as the Sub, Slave, or Bottom.

A top/bottom dynamic is the term used to describe this dominating and submissive interaction.

While the dominant partner may often take the lead in activities like spanking, bonding, or whipping the submissive partner also has the power to express their needs and preferences.

The bottom can confidently request the top to fulfill specific roles or even explore switching roles if desired.

Some assume the roles full-time (outside the bedroom), while others only do so at specific sexy hours. The control can be emotional, physical, or both.

Sadism and Masochism

SM in BDSM stands for sadism and masochism, or sadomasochism. The acts are performed by people who derive pleasure from pain.

The sadist gets sexual pleasure from inflicting pain on someone else, while the masochist gets pleasure from receiving pain, physically or emotionally.

Those who practice sadism or masochism feel empowered when they adopt one of these sexual personas.

Note: Not all three categories need to be included in your BDSM play. Also, you might find that you are inherently submissive or dominant, or that you want to try both roles. Being able to explore different sides of oneself in a safe space is one of the best things about BDSM.

How to Start Exploring BDSM as a Beginner?

First of all, congrats on embracing and acknowledging your desires and fantasies. It takes a great deal of self-awareness and courage to connect with your deepest desires. Keep up the amazing work!

Now, talking about BDSM with your partner can feel intimidating, particularly if you are unsure of their reaction. But there are ways to ease into it.

Sentences like "I love it when you call me Mi Amor" or "You are so sexy when you wear that" could be used to start the conversation. Embrace your desires and confidently communicate your passions to your partner.

Highlighting a story in a book or magazine that depicts a BDSM moment that you like and confidently saying, "I found this incredibly attractive!" can be a great way to bring up the subject and express your enthusiasm without hesitation.

If you have experience with BDSM and your partner is new to it, embrace the opportunity to guide them on their journey.

Remember to approach it with patience and understanding, allowing them to set the pace that feels comfortable for them.

We recommend reading books on it and discussing it afterward, or doing 101 workshops together. And before you embark on applying your knowledge, ensure that your partner fully understands the significance of consent and boundaries.

The following BDSM practices are a good starting point if you are interested in exploring BDSM as a beginner:

• Hair pulling
• Blindfolds
• A scarf or tie bondage
• Light spanking
• Handcuffs
• Role-playing

How to Engage in Safe BDSM?

Before you embark on exploring BDSM, let's understand how to engage in safe BDSM.

Consent

BDSM is an empowering consent-based sexual practice. To ensure the presence of consent, engage in open conversations with your partner about your shared desires and establish clear boundaries for sexual activities. In this manner, you both enjoy yourselves the most within your comfort zones.

Additionally, giving their consent implies that they are free to withdraw it at any moment from certain actions. Always honour and support their choices.

Negotiations

When it comes to BDSM, negotiation is essential. Establishing expectations, restrictions, and boundaries, a safeword, any triggers or traumatic histories to be mindful of, and health issues are all part of negotiating a BDSM scene.

You can also decide who will be dominant and submissive, if you will switch, and what kind of play you will engage in.

Safewords

Safewords enable individuals to establish and maintain consent. A safe word is a phrase that couples have agreed upon in advance to let each other know when they wish to slow down or stop altogether during a scene.

BDSM sessions can occasionally be intense, thus it's crucial to introduce a safe word. Any partner who feels uneasy about any aspect of the experience can stop the act by saying the safeword.

Keep in mind that BDSM works only when it is enjoyable for all parties. Upon hearing or uttering the safe word, everyone involved must react right away. Ask your partner if they are okay. Stay by their side until they have explained what called for the safeword.

Traffic Light System

This is another way to communicate boundaries during BDSM. Green indicates go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop, just like the traffic light.

What a partner is feeling and what they desire can be deduced from their choice of colour. 

BDSM AfterCare

Aftercare is a vital part of BDSM. This is when partners look after one another after a BDSM session.

It can involve any calming activity, such as taking a bath together or hugging. It also involves discussing what went well, what didn't, and how each partner is feeling.

The conversations you engage in after the experience are equally important and empowering as the acts themselves.

Aftercare is a beautiful way to show your partner how much you value and appreciate them, acknowledging their worth as a complete and incredible individual. This can aid in the mental, emotional, and physical protection of both you and your partner.

How Many People Practice BDSM?

41.8% of Indians engage in dominance, submission, or role-playing, per the 2016 India Today Sex Survey.

A 2016 study found that 60% of men and nearly 47% of women had fantasies about dominating someone sexually and that slightly more women than men felt aroused by the thought of being dominated.

Mental Health Benefits of BDSM

Studies exploring BDSM practices have found several mental health benefits.

• Reduced Stress
• Improved Communication between Partners
• Enhanced Intimacy
• Increased Confidence and Self-Esteem
• More Open to the Exploration of One's Desires and Boundaries
• Decreased Anxiety

FAQs

Why Are People Into BDSM?

In the past, societal and medical perspectives often stigmatized BDSM, considering it a sign of unhealthy sexuality.

However, contemporary attitudes, including those among medical professionals, have evolved, recognizing that BDSM can be a healthy and consensual expression of human sexuality. 

This shift in thinking reflects a more sex-positive and inclusive approach within contemporary discussions surrounding human sexuality and its various expressions.

Is BDSM Illegal?

BDSM itself is not illegal, but it exists in a legal grey area. The cornerstone of BDSM activities is the mutual consent of the involved parties.

Nevertheless, legal consent cannot be granted for acts of torture or assault.

What might be perceived as consensual "play" by some may be interpreted differently by others. It is always recommended to ensure that all participants are of legal age, fully informed, and consenting.

Conclusion

This beginner's guide to BDSM celebrates the journey of self-discovery and empowerment in the realm of sexual exploration.

Embracing desires and fantasies becomes a thrilling adventure when grounded in principles of consent, clear communication, and a commitment to safety.

BDSM is a personal and consensual journey, and there's no one-size-fits-all explanation for its appeal.

Whether delving into subtle conversations or trying out beginner-friendly practices, the key lies in creating a safe, respectful, and enjoyable experience.

Happy exploring your unique journey into the world of BDSM!

References

• verywellmind, How BDSM Is More Than Just a Sexual Practice, https://www.verywellmind.com/the-health-benefits-of-bdsm-2979720. Accessed 14 Nov 2023.
  
• Christian C. Joyal & Julie Carpentier (2017) The Prevalence of Paraphilic Interests and Behaviors in the General Population: A Provincial Survey, The Journal of Sex Research, 54:2, 161-171, DOI: 10.1080/00224499.2016.1139034.
• India Today, The confederacy of kinks, https://www.indiatoday.in/magazine/cover-story/story/20160208-sex-survey-fetish-fantasy-confederacy-of-kinks-828375-2016-01-27, Accessed 14 Nov 2023
• WebMD, What Is BDSM Sex?, https://www.webmd.com/sex/what-is-bdsm-sex, Accessed 14 Nov 2023
• Women's Health, A Beginner's Guide To BDSM, With Tips From Sex Therapists, https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19957328/bdsm-beginners-guide/, Accessed 14 Nov 2023